Diane

It’s funny how life works sometimes.  Almost 19 years ago I graduated from high school and vowed never to return to that facility.  A few years ago I did go back, but only to the bookstore that had been added next to the school.  The two years I spent there were made of memories I’d truly rather forget.  I have been pretty successful at doing that, but I have never forgotten the names of everyone.  No, I did not endure torment at the hands of my classmates, I was just the outsider and it was high school.

Over the past couple of months I’ve signed up for a facebook account.  I have found some old childhood friends that it has been wonderful reconnecting with.  What has surprised me is the number of my high school classmates who have contacted me - people that barely realized that I was in the same school that they were.  Some of these people who seemed to have their lives handed to them on a silver platter - it hasn’t taken me long to realize that we have all grown up.  And it has been really nice getting re-acquainted with, and in some cases, getting to know for the first time.

And how does all of this relate to weight loss?  Since I have been in touch with my past, and to an extent, made peace with it, I have begun losing weight again.  It’s not rapid, but it is steady.  I have lost the urge to over eat.  My desire for chocolate, and sugar in general, has diminished to almost non-existent.  I am more peaceful and it is translating into my physical appearance.   So, when I gave up searching for WHY I was over weight, I found the answer.   I needed to get beyond the perceived hurts of the past regarding weight.  I needed to realize that because it may have been an issue 20 years ago, 15 years ago, it no longer is, not to the people who are important to me and not to many of the people who it may have once been an issue with.

I am ready to be the person on the outside that is on the inside.  And now, I realize that I don’t want to be that 18 year-old, that 21 year-old, whoever I was back when.  I want to be me, who I am now: wife, Mom, daughter, friend - DIANE!

That is what I planned to eat and that is all I ate.  I was furious with my husband and I still stuck to what I’d planned to eat.  I’m still furious, but I have not overeaten and don’t think that I will.  What is a struggle is not going out and buying the Big Shot die cutter I really want. 

It all started Friday.  His new cell phone/PDA arrived.  He stayed up until 5 a.m. Saturday messing with it.  The only reason he got up before noon was because the bedroom was too cold.  The rest of that day went okay, though he was short with both the kids and I because he was tired.  Then yesterday I went grocery shopping by myself for the first time in ages.  I was gone less than 2 hours.  When I got home, after getting everything put away and the kitchen cleaned up, I told him that I had a migraine coming on and needed to get a little rest.  I laid down on the couch and he says he’s going up to his office!  Kids are not allowed in his office.  Not quite sure how he thought that was going to be restful for me.

That was at 2 p.m.  He never left his office until 10:15 except to say good night to each of the kids from their doorways.  Wait, he did, to yell at me for spending $55 on fabric for a Christmas dress for my DD and some pants for DS.  I damn well made sure I didn’t go over budget, including all of that.  He didn’t remember me telling him that I had to go to the fabric store twice.  Doesn’t matter that the dress I’m making would cost well over $100 if I were to buy it.  Never mind that I’ve only spent $50 for clothes for the kid’s winter clothes - 2 kids, $50! 

He is very, very lucky that I have realized when I get mad at him I spend money in retaliation.  We don’t have it to spend right now, but that wouldn’t have stopped me in the past.  Just like in the past I would have eaten the whole pound of chocolates instead of 4 pieces.  I guess this whole trying to lose weight is affecting more than just my weight.  Apparently it is changing my way of dealing with stress in general.   Not a bad turn of events, not bad at all. 

And on a totally unrelated note - My DS, 3, is potty trained!  Two weeks ago he decided that he wasn’t going to wear diapers anymore.  One week ago he decided he was going to use the potty for everything, not just one.  We still put him in a diaper at night and this morning was the only time it was wet.  That was only because he had been awake for a while, but won’t get out of his bed until he’s told that he can.  I was in the shower and his father was upset that he wouldn’t get out on his own.  DS was so upset that he’d not made it to the toilet.

Anyway, I’m going to work on getting over my anger while staying on track for food.  Off to clean the playroom.  Have a great day.