Terror in my heart
Ever hear the song lyrics - “My world is changing so fast, leaves me lonely and afraid”? That is me. I’ve always dealt well with change, but it’s not so easy right now. My oldest is going to Pre-K in a couple of weeks. I’m questioning if I should send her to Kindergarten instead. She is old enough. She already knows how to read. She knows basic math. I haven’t actively taught her any of this. I remember never feeling like I fit in when I was in school because I didn’t have the same rebellious thoughts of my peers. They always seemed so juvenile to me. I don’t want her to go through that, but I don’t want her to always be the “baby” in everything either.
My house is in chaos. My husband got his dream television and we’ve had to completely reorganize the house. Yes, I’m finally getting the rec/craft room I’ve wanted. I’m finally getting to unpack everything after 3 years in the house. Some of the boxes have been packed since we sold our house in Vermont over 6 years ago. It’s all just more change and change that I control.
And I am now on my own for weight loss. I cancelled my unused gym membership today. I can reactivate it anytime in the next 90 days, but I don’t know if I will. My plan was to start using it again when my DD went to school. She has to be there at 9 a.m. 3 days a week. I could then go to the gym with my DS and still have time with just him before picking her up. But would I do it even then?
I don’t have anyone where I live that I can talk about all of this to. And I don’t want to burden my two best friends with it. One is having to sell her dream house and isn’t sure where they’re going to move to because her husband’s business is failing. The other is living with her niece because neither she or her husband can find a job. My problems seem quite petty compared to theirs so I refuse to complain to them. It just gets so lonely sometimes.
I want to work on losing weight. I want to have the drive to do that 20-30 minutes a day right now. I just don’t. Everything is changing and I don’t want to change with it. I don’t want my kids to grow up. I don’t want to have a craft room because then I won’t have an excuse as to why I don’t do any crafts. I want my kids grow and be happy. I want to be able to work on the crafts I enjoy. I want to lose weight, but somedays don’t care if I do or not. I want quiet, but I can’t stand the silence. I’d like to blame it all on depression, but I’m not depressed. I need to stick to a routine, but I hate routines. I want the familiar, but crave adventure.
I need a break.
Ahhh, we are one in the same my dear. Sometimes I feel that I am not losing weight because so many things around me are changing and my weight is the one constant in my life. And if I’m always fighting myself with this weight (up, down, up, down) then I am not realizing or fully paying attention to everything that’s changing around me. But as I am looking back on the 12+ years I’ve been struggling I realize that everything still changes whether I want them to or not - babies grow up overnight, four year olds go to school, ect. I will be a happier person if I embrace the inevitable changes in my life with a healthier mind and body.
We all feel the same as you do sometimes…it is a rough road…when you are hit with all these feelings at the same time. Maybe just try taking one thing that bothers you at a time and dealing with it so that you are not so over whelmed. I have found that if Iam at the very least exercising almost everyday I can cope much better with the stresses and anxiety’s of my life.