Diane

. . .and that’s a good thing.  My kids don’t care what I eat so why am I not limiting my food intake?  They don’t care if they eat healthy - most of the time they prefer to have a salad or soup to junk food.  So why do I not eat that way too?  Well, that salad and bug issue for me, but still, I can eat it.   The kids don’t care if I eat with them as long as I’m at the table with them so why do I eat dinner every night when I really don’t want it?

And now I have a goal to work toward.  On October 4th I want my husband to come home to a lot less of a wife than he’ll be leaving on Sept. 7th.   My plan is to use the Wii Fit for 45 - 60 minutes in the morning and then do a 2-4 mile WATP in the evening after the kids go to bed and eat no more than 1200 calories.  Oh, and not say a word to him so it will be a surprise. 

Hope everyone has a great weekend.  For me, well, my MIL will be here on Sunday for a week visit and my baby is turning 3 on Sunday as well.  That makes me a little sad.

Oh my word!  Wii Fit is so fun!  We got one yesterday.  Didn’t get around to trying it out until almost 10 p.m. and still did 25 minutes of exercise.  Did almost 40 minutes this morning.  They have ski jumping, hula hoops, tight rope, yoga, step aerobics, running, several other things as well.  Haven’t tried the strength training yet. 

So how does this relate to the title?  Well, I cancelled my gym membership on Friday.  Looking back at my track record since joining the gym, I am still within 5 pounds of what I was then.  So, because I won’t be paying for the gym and could justify spending the money for the Wii Fit.  The store we were at had gotten 20 in earlier in the day and still had 2 left.  I am so happy with it.  I can even add in my other exercise - namely the WATP that I’m going back to.

Ever hear the song lyrics - “My world is changing so fast, leaves me lonely and afraid”?  That is me.   I’ve always dealt well with change, but it’s not so easy right now.  My oldest is going to Pre-K in a couple of weeks.  I’m questioning if I should send her to Kindergarten instead.  She is old enough.  She already knows how to read.  She knows basic math.  I haven’t actively taught her any of this.  I remember never feeling like I fit in when I was in school because I didn’t have the same rebellious thoughts of my peers.  They always seemed so juvenile to me.  I don’t want her to go through that, but I don’t want her to always be the “baby” in everything either.

My house is in chaos.  My husband got his dream television and we’ve had to completely reorganize the house.  Yes, I’m finally getting the rec/craft room I’ve wanted.  I’m finally getting to unpack everything after 3 years in the house.  Some of the boxes have been packed since we sold our house in Vermont over 6 years ago.  It’s all just more change and change that I control.

And I am now on my own for weight loss.   I cancelled my unused gym membership today.  I can reactivate it anytime in the next 90 days, but I don’t know if I will.  My plan was to start using it again when my DD went to school.  She has to be there at 9 a.m. 3 days a week.  I could then go to the gym with my DS and still have time with just him before picking her up.  But would I do it even then? 

I don’t have anyone where I live that I can talk about all of this to.  And I don’t want to burden my two best friends with it.  One is having to sell her dream house and isn’t sure where they’re going to move to because her husband’s business is failing.  The other is living with her niece because neither she or her husband can find a job.  My problems seem quite petty compared to theirs so I refuse to complain to them.  It just gets so lonely sometimes. 

I want to work on losing weight.  I want to have the drive to do that 20-30 minutes a day right now.  I just don’t.  Everything is changing and I don’t want to change with it.  I don’t want my kids to grow up.  I don’t want to have a craft room because then I won’t have an excuse as to why I don’t do any crafts.  I want my kids grow and be happy.  I want to be able to work on the crafts I enjoy.  I want to lose weight, but somedays don’t care if I do or not.  I want quiet, but I can’t stand the silence.  I’d like to blame it all on depression, but I’m not depressed.  I need to stick to a routine, but I hate routines.  I want the familiar, but crave adventure. 

I need a break.

Here is my dilema - I am trying to reorganize my house so that I can have access to my library and be able to work on my crafts.  Some of what is taking up a lot of space is clothing.  Not clothing I can wear, but clothing I used to wear and would like to again.   I’m thinking I should just get rid of the majority of it since I haven’t worn it in years.  I am much closer to 40 than to 25.  While I was never one to follow trends so they wouldn’t stand out as “from the 90’s” per se.   Some of it is jeans and some tops.  A couple of pieces will be kept for sentimental reasons even if I were to get rid of the rest of it. 

Should I dump it or keep it?  My big concern is that I really, really don’t want to look like a 40 year old trying to look 25 if I were able to wear the clothes again.   How long is too long to keep the “skinny” clothes?

I’m talking about TOM.  I just want to curl up in a little ball and cry.  Thanks to him, I over ate at dinner.   But he’s not going to win the rest of the day.  I will do my last 20 minutes of exercise and I will drink my water.  If he starts telling me I should find something to eat, some sort of comfort food, well, he’s going to get some nice roobio tea, not chocolate or bread.   He thinks the safety locks on the cabinets are just so the kids don’t get their own snacks.  He’s far underestimated his power to overcome my laziness.  Those suckers are hard to open and I’m not going to put that energy into it. 

Aside from dinner, today has gone pretty well.  I did the editing I needed to get done today.  I’m on track to finish the job by the 15th - 2 weeks ahead of schedule.  I got my 3 other “get done” items done.  I didn’t over eat the rest of the day.  And now the kids are going to bed so I will get a couple of hours to myself before my husband gets home. 

Moderation.  Everything in moderation.  Last week I was so fired up to get this weight off.  I did a half hour WATP with my husband.  Then I went to the gym, did weights and week one of C25K on the treadmill.  Yeah, ME!  Right?  Wrong.  I wasn’t able to exercise until yesterday.

Things I know - I have had problems with my feet since I learned to walk; treadmills only make the issue worse if I’m having problems already; everyone needs to start slowly when starting to exercise again; without a high daily dose of Vit. D, the pain becomes almost unbearable.  Can you see where I went wrong?  These truths are not something new to me.

The past week and a half I have been blaming my aches and pains on everything but me.  Yet, in truth, there is nothing to blame it on except myself.  I am the one who, even as I ran (okay, okay, slowly jogged!) on the treadmill knew it would probably cause me problems.  I am the one who didn’t make sure I took my vit. D every day.   I am the one who brough unhealthy foods into the house.  I have been my own worst enemy.

I am not starting over.  Starting over implies that I can go back and start from scratch.  If I could truly start over, I would rewind the hands of time 21 years and start there.  So, I am moving forward.  I am getting exercise back on track as that is the easier one for me.  Food is much more difficult.  It will come next.   Most of all, I am going to start being my own best friend.

A special thanks to all of the Diamonds and the others who have been supportive.  Your words of encouragement are so very much appreciated.