Diane

I just can’t seem to get moving.  Literally.  I want this weight off once and for all time, but I don’t know what is holding me back.  There is absolutely no reason why I don’t work on it harder.  I know what has worked in the past. 

Okay, so I can’t move to Poland, work 3 mornings a week, a couple of evenings and have no responsibilities beyond that, but still.  I know how much I need to eat.  I know how much I need to exercise.  I’m on medication that would help me lose if I just put the needed effort into it. 

Even though I am not a Dr. Phil fan, there is one phrase that sticks in my mind: What am I getting from being overweight?  Honestly, I can’t think of anything positive.  I don’t like the clothes I have to buy; I don’t like how I look, how I feel or the example I’m setting for my beautiful little ones.  I am limiting my own life, both in time and quality.  Why can I not do this?

Is eating so that I have energy and feel good really a sacrifice?  Is eating one piece of pizza instead of 3 such a deprivation?  Is 45-60 minutes a day really such a colossal amount of time?  I waste more time than that surfing the net.  Is being healthy, happy and a good example for my kids, my husband such a bad thing?

What do you all do to find the motivation to start and keep going?  Do material rewards really work?  If so, how do you balance out spending the money with guilt over spending it?  I’m trying to switch my thinking around from, “I can’t afford a new wardrobe” to “I spend that money on clothes anyway.  Most places charge more for larger sizes so you could 1 - spend less for the same amount or 2- get more for the same money.” 

Has anyone done counselling for weight issues?  Overeaters Anonymous?  Do you recommend it? 

Thanks for reading.

Okay, so I had some chocolate.  Two dark chocolate Dove Promises.  They put a little saying on the inside of each one and here are what the two I ate said:

You’re not allowed to do nothing.

Keep the promises you make to yourself.

Guess I’d better take the motivation where ever I find it.  Have a great day everyone.

Now don’t get me wrong - I love my dog.  If it weren’t for her, I don’t know if I would be here today.  I got her just as I was decending into the depths of despair.  She was so small and helpless that I had to get out of bed to take care of her.  I couldn’t completely wallow in self-pity and depression.  But, damn! she can be so frustrating!

Monday evening we went for a walk - slowly, but did 1.5 miles in 30 minutes.  Last night, no warmer than the day before, it took at least 35 minutes and we only went .75 miles.  No, she wasn’t hurting.  She’s a beagle and had her nose to the ground constantly.  How many new smells can there be in a 24 hour period?!

Do plan to keep walking her as she is overweight and needs it.  Just wish it could be considered part of my aerobic exercise.

Tomorrow is a new start.  One major change for me, and one that will be very difficult - I will not be turning on the computer until I have gotten done what I need to do for the day.  That includes exercise, at least an hour playing outside with the kids and whatever housework I need to do.  I waste a lot of time surfing.  I need to take back that time and improve my life.

Several months ago I set out a few long term goals for myself; I have yet to truly begin any of them.  I see no better time than now to start.  Tonight I will take my dog for a walk, something she so very much loves to do and very much needs.  I will get my two courses together so I know where I stand with them and have a clear idea what I need to do to finish them.  Then I will go to bed so I can start fresh tomorrow.

Tomorrow I will get up early to exercise.  This is probably the most important part.  I can never seem to get my day going well until I have exercised and showered.  Then I will get my house work done, do some studying while the kids watch their cartoons.  After that it will be time for outside and once the kids are tired, or I am, it will be reading time.  If everything is done, then, and only then, will I turn on the computer.  It will be for a maximum of 1 hour.  After I walk the dog, then I can use it again.

The reprogramming of Diane has begun.  Make it so, self.

Nothing like going clothes shopping to add a new determination to losing weight.  In the past having to buy the same size clothes would have sent me into a tail spin for at least the rest of the day, if not the rest of the month.  Not today.  Was I happy with the size I needed?  Certainly not, but I have no one to blame for it except myself.  

There is nothing I can do about what size I am today.  I am what I am because I haven’t eaten a healthy diet with healthy portions and I haven’t exercised at a healthy level.  I can do nothing but move forward and look at this day as a turning point.  While I may no longer be able to do anything about the size I needed to buy today, I can most certainly do something about the size I need to buy next month, next year, next time I want a t-shirt.

I did want to walk out of that store with nothing rather than buy the large size I needed.  I didn’t walk out, though.  I really needed some summer clothes.  I didn’t stick with my comfort zone items - no plain t-shirts or denim in the lot.  Did spend more than I wanted, but I had a coupon for it and ended up saving over 50%.  Anyway. . .  It was a major achievement for me to go shopping, buy the size I needed and come away from the whole experience content. 

There is one thing that troubles me, though.  Does anyone else need a larger size skirt than pants or shorts?  I just don’t get it.  Sewing patterns are the same measurements.  Why are pre-made garments so vastly different?

 This is not meant to offend anyone.  This is my take on vegetarianism and how others view it based on being a vegetarian for my entire life.

 First and foremost is the belief that vegetarians actually like vegetables.  I did not get to be more than 250 pounds by eating my veggies.  I don’t like them.  I never have.  Broccoli and cauliflower are particularly difficult for me to eat. 

Second - being vegetarian doesn’t mean that any vegetable makes a good pizza topping.  Give me green pepper, onion and black olive.  Carrots, peas, corn and broccoli are not pizza toppings, they are vegetables (and a grain, I know, I know) to be eaten sometime other than on a pizza.

Third - vegetarians do not eat fish and poultry.  That means broth, too.  A vegetable soup made with chicken broth, or worse yet, beef broth is a vegetable soup, not a vegetarian soup. 

Fourth - not all vegetarians are vegetarians because of the cruelty to animals.  Yes, it does help not want to start eating meat, but personally, I am vegetarian because that is how I was raised and I don’t want to eat a dead animal.  I don’t like the smell or sight of it, but I don’t care if someone else chooses to eat it.  My husband and kids eat meat.  I never will.

Fifth - Vegetarians have healthy diets.  Hello!  I struggle daily with eating healthy.  See point one again.  I love chocolate, pastries, ice cream and, since my Poland days, cheese.  I don’t like whole wheat bread and, after one experience with whole wheat pasta, will never touch it again.  I do eat Barilla Plus, but that’s as close as I get.  I didn’t learn these habits as an adult.  And as I mentioned before I was raised vegetarian.  The one thing I have done right is that I don’t like butter or margarine.

So, if anyone has any pointers for getting in veggies, please let me know.  I’m getting sick of cucumbers and tomatoes.  And I can’t eat onions very often.  Too often and I get a migraine.  And this is a whine, but I really, really like them.  I just haven’t eaten them in months.

  I am turning into a rabbit, but haven’t grown the ears yet.  Might not be eating lettuce, but there are plenty of other “rabbit” foods out there.  Been trying to eat at least two servings of veggies at lunch and dinner before I eat the rest of my meal.  Cucumbers are plentiful right now and I could eat those all day.  Once I finish 1 serving of those and 1 serving of another veggie, usually raw, there isn’t much room left for anything else. 

Have decided I definitely don’t like feeling full.  Kinda makes my stomach hurt now.  I’m not talking stuffed to the gills, but rather the point where I haven’t eaten enough to be uncomfortable and could eat a little more.  Finding that more often than not I’m stopping just after I notice that I’m no longer hungry.  Drinking plenty of water keeps me full between meals.  Not using the scales until Saturday so I don’t know if it’s working this week or not.

Well, I’m off to try something new for dinner.  It will either be an abysmal failure or I’ll post the recipe. 

I can’t eat it.  Until memories of my most recent salads fade, I will not be eating salad.  Slimy lettuce, bugs, worms - does not make for an appetizing meal.  I tried again last night and took two bites before finding something.   I just can’t do it.  Guess I’ll stick to my fresh tomatoes, cucumbers, fruit and anything else that does not include lettuce.  

Exercise is still a challenge.  Sometimes I think the planets are alligned against me.  I decide that I’m going to walk my dog every day and the temps shoot up along with humidity.  It was 83 degrees outside when I sent to bed last night at 10 p.m.  My little dog can’t handle that.  I decide to go to the gym by 9 in the morning and the kids sleep in until 8:30.   I decide to get up at 5 a.m. to do WATP and I don’t fall asleep until 2 a.m.  It’s frustrating, but I will exercise each day this week and take my dog for a walk on days when it is cool enough for her.

A couple of months ago I left this site.  I was in a bad place in my life - extremely depressed and wanting nothing to do with anything healthy.  Life has changed, well, I have changed.  I have theories as to why, but they are unimportant.

I took some time away from my every day life and visited family and friends in Maine for a week in early May.  It was worth every penny spent on gasoline.  Yes, I drove the 1100 miles each way with two preschoolers and a dog in the car.  My Mom was with me most of the time, but I did all of the driving.  It was good to get away and see people I hadn’t seen in a long time, some in more than 10 years.

I’d been feeling forgotten.  Since I was already depressed, it just made the whole situation worse to feel as though I had no friends anywhere.   By the time I left Maine I was once again myself and, even though I know I probably won’t hear from some aside from a Christmas card, that I am not forgotten.  Everyone is going through their own struggles and it made mine seem not so significant.

So, what lessons did I learn from my time away?  First - to lose weight, don’t obsess about it!  I just ate right most of the time, tried to fit in exercise and lost 5 pounds the first month.  Second - everyone has their days.  Get over myself and choose to be happy.  Depression isn’t fun and life is supposed to be.

Getting back into a routine at home has been a little more difficult.  Eating healthy is not second nature and getting in exercise must either be done early in the morning or at the gym.  I hate getting up early and my son has decided he doesn’t want to be in Child Watch so it’s a bit of a challenge. 

I’m going easier on myself.  Exercise 4-6 days a week, not 7.  I have an occasional ice cream, but make it a small one instead of no ice cream and then binging on a half gallon in two days.  Trying to find different outlets for exercise - Wii Sports, swimming, being more active when playing outside with the kids.

I did check in from time to time and catch up on my buddies’ blogs, but I didn’t feel I had anything to add so I didn’t comment.