Ramblings from the Darkness
Spring is never easy for me. The weather patterns cause migraines and cluster migraines for weeks, not to mention stupidity on my part this year, but I won’t go into that one. The migraines cause me to get more depressed than usual. When I get depressed, I think about all of the things that are unresolved, even if they don’t need to be resolved. Somethings are better to just let go of. Perhaps it is because most of them happened this time of year that causes me to think of them.
Weight has always played a big part of my self image. Shocker, I know. :) I’ve always been heavier than my “friends” but was never one of the ones who was comfortable with the extra weight. It’s little things like having a lifelong friend ask me one week before her wedding (a year in the planning stages) to be a bridesmaid because the 3 others she’d asked backed out. One of the others was a girl she hadn’t spoken to in 2 years. And then hearing her say to one of the other bridesmaids that she didn’t really want me in it because I’d ruin the pictures, but they’d have too many groomsmen if I wasn’t there. Having two other friends that I though were my best friends hide that they were going out without me and hearing the reason be that they didn’t think the guys would come around if I was with them because I wasn’t skinny. Then to have one of them blame me for the break up of her marriage when she saw that guys were interested in me. Guess she figured if I could attract them, how much better she could do. I know I need to just let it all go and look at it as lessons learned. This time of year it bugs me, though.
I know weight was a factor in these relationships and perhaps thats part of the reason I don’t always try as hard as I can to lose weight. But I can’t blame them. I am not the same person heavy as I am when I weigh less. Depression and migraines, self loathing and apathy are to blame. All of which I can change, to some extent. Migraines not totally, but I can eat better and that helps eliminate many of them. Just trying to figure out how to cook without onions is difficult.
A special thanks to Tasha, Tanis, Lia and all the others who’ve checked in on me during my mental health days lately. Yes, some of it was mentally induced, but it was productive. Read 3 books, worked on my photography course and my graphology course.
I’ve read other blogs and it seems like a lot of us are struggling with the issue of self sabotage. So, what do you say. Join me in telling ourselves - we are worth it! We are just as valuable as everyone else in the world and this is our time. I need your help and I’m here to help you as best I can.
it sounds like those you thought were friends, really were not. i can see why you would still be upset by their actions, and you’re right, you need to let all of that go… of course- it’s much easier to say than to do, but you are conscious of it and moving in the right direction!
i can’t imagine dealing with constant migraines. i have had my share, but they really never amounted to more than 2 a month. have you tried a chiropractor’s help? my BIL is a chiro, and he has really helped reduce the frequency of my migraines.
you are very worth it!!
Diane, I am sorry you had to go through that with your “friends”. That must be painful but in the end, I hope that you have learned from it. Some people aren’t worthy of your friendship. You are a great person! I am glad I have gotten to know you over the past year (a lil more) and I hope to keep getting to know you.
I know the depression stuff all too well and I can really sympathize with you on that as well as the migraines. Just keep fighting. I am here for you anytime. Hope your ‘blues’ go away or at least subside soon! Have a good one!
Man it really sucks that you’ve gone through so much. This is why my best friends are always males. Your “friends” sounds straight out from the movie “Mean Girls.” But in all honesty and all jokes aside…women, sadly don’t make good friends most of the time. It’s always about jealousy and craziness. So, so sad! Glad we’re not there anymore and glad that we are in the here and now and we strive for mental, spiritual and physcial health, for ourselves and our loved ones. Chin up!! We can do this! I too suffer from migraines, but now that I am on SB, I hardly have them!