Diane

It doesn’t work for me.  Every time I focus on just losing weight, I don’t.  Self sabotage, frustration, juvenile dislike of forcing something, I don’t know which or how many of those it is, but it doesn’t work.  Not going to abandon it all together, but it will be more of a side effect, not the goal.

I’ve changed my priorities, probably to what they should have been in the first place.  I will exercise so I can play with my kids, so I can take them to the zoo and not feel like I’m going to keel over on the first hill.  I will eat right and feed my family right so that we are all healthy and so that my children will have less of a chance of ever having to deal with being over weight.  I will stop using the scale to determine my mood.  My clothing size will not be a cause for a depressive episode.

Success will be measured by how many times I go out and play with the kids, how many smiles they have because Mom is doing something with them.  Success will be measured by going on outings to the zoo or aquarium or park and leaving because of time, not because I don’t think I can go further.  Success will be measured by the health of myself and my children.   Success will be measured by happiness and contentment, not a number on a scale or clothing tag.

Hopefully weightloss will happen, but I see no use in obsessing over a number on the scale when that is a cause of great distress for me.  Happiness, contentment and health is key to lasting weightloss so I’m working on that first.  I would rather be 245 pounds, happy, healthy and sharing that than 125, still not happy and have kids who don’t want to do anything with Mom because she’s always a grump. 

The sun is shining brightly today.  My neighbor’s dog finally accepted that I’m not going to come into her yard and stopped barking at me.  That 4 foot fence is a bit high for me to jump in a single bound these days.  Well, to be honest, any day since I was about 14.   Maybe by the time I’m 45 I’ll give it another try.  Then again, I’ll hopefully forget all about it by then.  Not really on my priority list - jump 4 foot hurdle, go to emergency room for setting of broken bones, stay over night for observation due to head injury.  Yeah, real high on that list.

My daughter got to play soccer today and will be playing t-ball in her class for the next two weeks.  She loved it.   Then both kids played outside for awhile this afternoon, until they started putting all of the sand from their sandbox every where but the sandbox.  I was not a very happy Mom.

Yes, I am truely avoiding housework.  My kitchen is a disaster.  I made a cake last night and the fondant stuff is still out waiting to be cleaned.  No, I’m not eating the cake.  I just made one.   I’d never made a doll cake before and a friend was asking how to do it so I figured I should figure it out. 

Okay.  No more procrastination.  Have a great Wednesday.

Spring is never easy for me.  The weather patterns cause migraines and cluster migraines for weeks, not to mention stupidity on my part this year, but I won’t go into that one.  The migraines cause me to get more depressed than usual.  When I get depressed, I think about all of the things that are unresolved, even if they don’t need to be resolved.  Somethings are better to just let go of.  Perhaps it is because most of them happened this time of year that causes me to think of them.

Weight has always played a big part of my self image.  Shocker, I know. :)  I’ve always been heavier than my “friends” but was never one of the ones who was comfortable with the extra weight.  It’s little things like having a lifelong friend ask me one week before her wedding (a year in the planning stages) to be a bridesmaid because the 3 others she’d asked backed out.  One of the others was a girl she hadn’t spoken to in 2 years.  And then hearing her say to one of the other bridesmaids that she didn’t really want me in it because I’d ruin the pictures, but they’d have too many groomsmen if I wasn’t there.  Having two other friends that I though were my best friends hide that they were going out without me and hearing the reason be that they didn’t think the guys would come around if I was with them because I wasn’t skinny.   Then to have one of them blame me for the break up of her marriage when she saw that guys were interested in me.  Guess she figured if I could attract them, how much better she could do.  I know I need to just let it all go and look at it as lessons learned.  This time of year it bugs me, though. 

I know weight was a factor in these relationships and perhaps thats part of the reason I don’t always try as hard as I can to lose weight.  But I can’t blame them.  I am not the same person heavy as I am when I weigh less.   Depression and migraines, self loathing and apathy are to blame.  All of which I can change, to some extent.  Migraines not totally, but I can eat better and that helps eliminate many of them.  Just trying to figure out how to cook without onions is difficult. 

A special thanks to Tasha, Tanis, Lia and all the others who’ve checked in on me during my mental health days lately.  Yes, some of it was mentally induced, but it was productive.  Read 3 books, worked on my photography course and my graphology course.   

I’ve read other blogs and it seems like a lot of us are struggling with the issue of self sabotage.  So, what do you say.  Join me in telling ourselves - we are worth it!  We are just as valuable as everyone else in the world and this is our time.  I need your help and I’m here to help you as best I can. 

  There is a group of us that are using Walk Away the Pounds workouts and we have a thread in the Fitness Forum.  We are currently in Week 6.  Started out using primarily WATPs, but since spring is here and the weather is nice, we have changed it slightly. 

We are currently using them when we don’t get a chance for going to the gym, outside or doing a different DVD workout.   They are the minimum that is done for the days we’ve each chosen to exercise.   Some, well, one  of us, has the drive to use one almost daily AND do another workout as well!  Quite impressive, I must say.  Yes, Tasha, it is impressive!

If you haven’t ever used them, they really give a great workout and there are a lot of different workouts available. 

So, come join us!  We’d love to have some new buddies join in.

“Life is what happens while we’re making other plans.”  I always liked that quote.  It always reminded me not to take setbacks too personal, just to move forward with what I have.   Sometimes it’s a little more difficult to do that, to roll with the punches, but I really do try to not stress about things I cannot change.  My biggest struggle is to change the things I can. 

Some plans work out:
I have found all of my photography course material.  That is a miracle in and of itself.  Since starting the course I have moved 5 times and had 2 children.  Each move brought a new resolution to finish it so parts were moved away from the whole.  When I went to look for it the other day, I found it all rather quickly even though it was spread out across two floors and part was still in the boxes I have yet to unpack from the last move nearly 3 years ago.  So that has fallen into place.
I have signed up for my graphology course, have all the material, a good relationship with the instructor and was given a significant discount because I am a SAHM.  I will be starting on that one tonight as well as reviewing what I need to do for my photo assignment.

Some don’t pan out so well: My endocrinologist told me yesterday that I really should’t be doing the South Beach Diet while taking the medication I’m now having to take.  The side effects of continuing both would be, or so her patients have told her, quite unpleasant.  A little disappointing because I was on point for a diet for 2 days for the first time in a long time.  And I’d lost 5 pounds in 2 days.  I still have to eat a healthy diet and exercise, but I need to eat more whole grains than South Beach allows. 

So, my husband and I are going to be using the menu plans from Sparkpeople.com.  I did have 1 meal out of the See Food diet for lunch today and I do truly wish I hadn’t.  Tonight I will be having a South Beach inspired meal as I have gotten my grains for the day.  My overall goal is to have my grains early in the day and to stay between 1400 and 1900 calories a day with a minimum of 35 grams of fiber.   The medication is to help with blood sugar so I will be careful of sugar intake. 

Once again, I’m starting over and praying that this works.  I’m getting tired of starting over.  I just want the weight gone once and for all.