A Life Mostly Wasted
Perhaps I’m just feeling old today. I’m not, really, at least I don’t think I am. It’s just sometimes it feels that way. This week on American Idol the contestants were to choose a song from the year they were born. One sang one from 1990 - the year I graduated from high school. I keep thinking there is time to do all of the things I want to do but today I feel the calendar is against me. I have done a lot already. I’ve lived in Europe, both east and west, travelled while there, been to all the states east of Texas except Rhode Island, several Canadian Provinces, helped build a dormitory in Jamaica, sung in a national champion choir, written papers that professors submitted for publishing, have my 12th anniversary coming up in a couple of months, two wonderful little kids, and yes, lost a lot of weight at one point.
But it’s not enough. My dreams are not of fame and fortune. I’ve always wanted to be a freelance photographer and have been doing a course through NYIP for 6 years now. Been fascinated with graphology since I learned to write and have yet to pursue that fully. But most of all, I want to be healthy and happy. I don’t feel I can be one without the other.
I remember when I turned 25 thinking, well, I’ve got 5 years to get this weight off. I’d read somewhere that the elastin starts breaking down much faster after 30. I had every confidence that I could do it. After all, what was 50 pounds in 5 years? Now it’s 11 years later and I am looking at 40 and 115 pounds to lose. 40! Where has the time gone?
The things I want most in life, the things that really matter to ME, not including my kids, I don’t follow through on. Answers are easy to come by - time, depression, new marriage, new kids, moving - but the real reason eludes me. The other day I wrote about being daring. So along with daily self challenges for a fulfilling life, I am daring myself to complete something that isn’t easy in the long term. I have three.
First - finish my photography course by the end of the year.
Second - be at my goal weight by May 2, 2009
Third - Sign up and complete a graphology course by the end of 2009
At the end of 2009 I will decide on what to do when my youngest goes to school - work outside the home (yuck), work more on photography or graphology for a home business or go back to school for my Masters in Clinical Psychology.
I am 36 years old and feel that I have wasted most of those years because of indecision, self doubt and self pity. Enough is enough. If I want to accomplish things in my life, I’ve got to get moving.
So, buddies, I bid you adieu for the day. May each of you have a wonderful, fulfilling day.
This is really a thought provoking blog Diane. You really have accomplished so much already. I understand wanting to do and be more though. I have these same thoughts alot too. Photogrpahy is one of my passion as well and i have struggled with how to proceed with it. I wish you all the luck on reaching your goals and dreams. I know you can do it all!
Daine, want some unsolicted advice? Don’t give up. You have accomplished much. But most of your life lies ahead. I know where of I speak. I am 54 and at around my mid 30’s I was starting a new career, 3000 miles from home. Now I am retired and am starting a new part time job.
This weight thing has taunted me most of my life too. May be together we can all reach our goals. Just don’t give up.
Your blog today pulled at my heartstrings…I couldn’t have written this better myself if I had tried, for you see, I can honestly and very sadly, RELATE! I have blogged about this several times in the last two years I have been on the site and until very recently decided to say “f— it” and finish what I started. I graduated from college 12 years ago…and when I did, I took a “year off” before earning my Juris Doctorate…but of course, 1 year has now turned into 12 and that indecion that you speak of, taunts me! Also, I too would like to take photography and I too, only had about 35 lbs. to lose in my mid 20’s, but alas, now I have to lose 85!! Unless our heart stops beating, it’s never too late to pursue our goals, dreams and aspiration!!
Awww Diane! I too could have written this post myself. We have to remember that if we really want to do something, we CAN. The only thing that holds us back is….. US… if you honestly look at it. You can do anything you set your mind to..
What can I say…you’ve written what I’ve been feeling so much lately. Especially being in my late thirties and seeing 40 looming in the near distance, and realizing what you have left to realize. You’re definitely not alone in your thoughts. Judging by the responses above, I think we could start a support group, lol!