Diane

I’m trying to simplify my life so why is it so hard to let some things go?  I detest folding laundry.  Yesterday, for the millionth time, my husband offered to fold all the laundry.  He’ll put it in piles for me to put away.  Why is it so hard for me to say, “OK.”?  He doesn’t mind doing it.  The kids love to be in our room when he’s there and they put away their own clothes.  That would leave me just mine to put away.  Can somebody please hit me with a DUH stick?!  I am going to do my best to let that one go.  It will give me the 15 - 20 minutes in the evening to do a short workout uninterrupted as well as removing a major stressor in my life.

I started South Beach today.  It was hard not having my english muffin for breakfast, but the real test has been the chocolate milk in the fridge.  The kids had some for lunch and I so wanted some, but I didn’t.  For crying out loud, how can I say this doesn’t work if I can’t even stick with it for two weeks?  It is only 13.3 days now.  And as long as I don’t put too many capers in the broccoli again, I think I’ll be okay.  Those little suckers are salty!

Now I must go clean my kitchen.   I haven’t done this much cooking in one day in ages. 

I’m jumping in the deep end.  I will be starting South Beach on Monday and, following the example of Tasha, working out at least twice a day.  My husband will be joining me at 5 a.m. for a Walk Away the Pounds DVD.  At 9 I will be at the gym for some more cardio and strength training.  I am going to try to do a 1 mile walk after dinner, either outside with my dog, weather permitting, or another WATP DVD.

I’ve been doing baby steps for so long and it’s not gotten me very far.  At some point I’ve got to grow up and take on full responsiblity.  What better time than now?  I have little doubt that the test results I’ll get on Tuesday will allow me to do differently.  I know it seems a little childish, but if I’m already doing these things, having the doctor tell me to do them will be of little importance.  But if I wait for the good Doc to tell me I need to make drastic changes, well, I hate being told what to do. 

So no more baby steps.  I am boldly stepping out into a new day and a new life, head held high and confidence in my step. 

Perhaps I’m just feeling old today.  I’m not, really, at least I don’t think I am.  It’s just sometimes it feels that way.  This week on American Idol the contestants were to choose a song from the year they were born.  One sang one from 1990 - the year I graduated from high school.  I keep thinking there is time to do all of the things I want to do but today I feel the calendar is against me.  I have done a lot already.  I’ve lived in Europe, both east and west, travelled while there, been to all the states east of Texas except Rhode Island, several Canadian Provinces, helped build a dormitory in Jamaica, sung in a national champion choir, written papers that professors submitted for publishing, have my 12th anniversary coming up in a couple of months, two wonderful little kids, and yes, lost a lot of weight at one point.

But it’s not enough.  My dreams are not of fame and fortune.  I’ve always wanted to be a freelance photographer and have been doing a course through NYIP for 6 years now.  Been fascinated with graphology since I learned to write and have yet to pursue that fully.  But most of all, I want to be healthy and happy.  I don’t feel I can be one without the other. 

I remember when I turned 25 thinking, well, I’ve got 5 years to get this weight off.  I’d read somewhere that the elastin starts breaking down much faster after 30.  I had every confidence that I could do it.  After all, what was 50 pounds in 5 years?  Now it’s 11 years later and I am looking at 40 and 115 pounds to lose.  40!  Where has the time gone?

The things I want most in life, the things that really matter to ME, not including my kids, I don’t follow through on.  Answers are easy to come by - time, depression, new marriage, new kids, moving - but the real reason eludes me.  The other day I wrote about being daring.  So along with daily self challenges for a fulfilling life, I am daring myself to complete something that isn’t easy in the long term.  I have three.

First - finish my photography course by the end of the year.
Second - be at my goal weight by May 2, 2009
Third - Sign up and complete a graphology course by the end of 2009

At the end of 2009 I will decide on what to do when my youngest goes to school - work outside the home (yuck), work more on photography or graphology for a home business or go back to school for my Masters in Clinical Psychology. 

I am 36 years old and feel that I have wasted most of those years because of indecision, self doubt and self pity.  Enough is enough.  If I want to accomplish things in my life, I’ve got to get moving. 

So, buddies, I bid you adieu for the day.  May each of you have a wonderful, fulfilling day.

Funny thing about that proverbial wagon, it never moves on without me.  Take this week, for example.  Coming off an 8 pound loss last week I jumped off that wagon with both feet into the River of Self Pity.  My kids were sick, my husband was sick and just went back to work today.  I was sick, but since I’m Mom, that really is irrevelant.  I worked out on Sunday and Monday then ate like there was going to be a famine on Tuesday and into Wednesday.  No exercise.  I told myself it was because of wheezing, but the reality is, I didn’t want to exercise. 

The whole time that wagon was sitting on the bridge where I’d jumped from.   Not going to drive itself, but the longer I let it sit there, the more work it’s going to take to get it in shape.  Okay, enough of the metaphor. 

So this morning, depsite being sick to my stomach because of a migraine, I exercised.  I stopped feeling sorry for myself and recommited myself to being healthy.  I will no doubt have a some more pitstops along the way, but I have found no joy in my latest detour nor the the one before this or the one before that. 

As Helen Keller once said: Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.  There is nothing daring about the familiar.  So each morning I’m daring myself to move forward, to find the joy of life and to live each day with a forward direction, challenging myself to be more than I am.  It is a beautiful day today and I plan to live it not merely exist in it.

I hope that you all have a wonderful Thursday.

That is my goal date.  My goal weight is 130.   I have 113 pounds to lose.

My niece is graduating from high school in June 2009.  It will be more than 3 years since I have seen most of my family, unless someone decides to visit me for a change.  I do expect to see my parents at least once between now and then, but no one else.  The last time they all saw me I was 273 pounds and so far nothing has been said to them about the 30 I’ve already lost.

I don’t think it is an unrealistic goal - less than 2 pounds a week.  The May date will also give me several weeks of mantainence before the trip and time to go shopping.   I will not go back to Maine feeling like I HAD to drive because I didn’t want to try to fit into an airline seat.  Who knows, with gas prices the way they are, it might end up being cheaper to fly anyway!

I’m becoming less of a person and I’m happy about it.  Last year I lost 25 pounds.  When May came around, I stopped losing.  I’d lose a few, gain a few no matter what I did.  The past couple of months I’d lose 2 one week and gain 3 the next. 

Earlier this month I, along with some buddies, started using Walk Away the Pounds workouts nearly every day.  As of this morning, I have lost 4 pounds and a couple of inches off my waist.  The other change I’ve made in the past few days is I eat nothing after 6 p.m.  I try to shoot for 4 p.m., but that doesn’t always happen.   Still trying to make sure I hit my daily calories which is more difficult than I thought it would be.

I also decided to take advantage of the fact that during TOM I don’t get hungry and keep the junk food I crave instead out of the house.  I’m sure the near constant migraine, fortunately not a really bad one, since Sunday has helped with the not eating thing.  All in all, things seem to be working my way right now. 

So, yes, I’m becoming less of a person physically, but watch out world, cause if I’m not spending that extra time with comfort foods, I’m reading or studying something!

Have a great Thursday.