Diane

So far today - 1 bowl of Cheerios/Grapenuts Flakes mix with milk, 1 Subway foot long Veggie Delite (with cheese and light mayo), 1 small bag of chips, more milk and about 8-10 home made chocolate chip/cherry/almond cookies.  I made them, I know how much fat was in them.  The question is why have I eaten all of this by noon?  I know I’m stressd, but that normally keeps me from eating.  I haven’t drank much water yet and I haven’t done my exercise.  It’s not mindless eating.  I have to open the container where the cookies are, or rather, were.  I had to order the sandwich and chips.  I know what I’m doing to myself; I just don’t know WHY I’m doing it.

One would think that with my dad having surgery yesterday, (went well.  Thank you to everyone for their prayers and kind words.) I’d have some control.  I feel totally powerless to stop myself.  I feel like the only way I’m going to be able to have any control is to have food for just the kids in the house.  My husband does his own lunch and breakfast anyway.  If there are any extras, they’ll have to be something the kids like but I don’t.  I just want to cry or scream or hide, not that it would help much.  I think I’ll chalk it up to PMS and move on.  I’ve certainly got enough to do the rest of the day to avoid food.  Oh, yeah, it’s Halloween and I’ll be the one giving out candy.  Oh, joy.

Not that Sunday was a fun day either, but with the Red Sox being World Champions again, I’m not complaining!  My father having two stents put in his heart tomorrow, was supposed to be done today, but the doctor couldn’t make it.  Thank God it’s not bypass surgery.

I have finally gotten all the gaps big enough for my dog to get under the fence closed so I can let her outside without her running away.  She is quite frustrated by it so I’m hoping she doesn’t dig a hole to get out.  I’m sick of giving her baths because she’s rolled in something that reeks to high heaven.

This evening is going to be interesting.  I am making cookies for a party tomorrow.  I really should have stuck with an appetizer, but since I can’t cook very well, that didn’t seem like a good idea.  I can bake, though, so I traded with someone.  I think I’ll get them all on the parchment paper and then let my husband bake them while I take the dog for a walk.  Sounds good anyway.

Earlier I was clearing out some things and came across a box of stationary.   I don’t remember the last time I wrote someone a letter.  Even my recently deceased Grandmother had e-mail!  Why am I hanging on to it?  Then I asked why am I hanging on to this fat I carry with me every where?  What is it that I think it’s doing for me?  I really don’t have the answers.  I’m still fighting, but I think I need to get to the bottom of this before I will be able to achieve my goal of being a healthy weight. 

My mom called at 5:45 this morning to tell me that my Dad has had two heart attacks in the past 2 days.  Both have been mild and he didn’t even go to the hospital for the first one.  He’s expected to go home in a couple of days, but is going to have to change a few things.  Fortunately, their diet is pretty good since my Mom had a major heart attack nearly 6 years ago and she chose to deal with the recovery proccess through diet an exercise instead of just medication.  Just means he’s got to exercise a bit more and make sure he takes his medication.

I have found my motivation again, that’s for sure.  Mom at 59 and Dad at 69 having heart attacks, a grandmother who died from a heart attack, grandfather from stroke.  Yeah, I think I’ve got my motivation back.  I just wish I could go to Maine today, but there’s no way I can with 2 kids and 2 dogs.  If anything more serious happens, I will be on the next flight out, but right now, I’m not needed there.

I did almost forget one thing - GO RED SOX!

Oh, where oh where, can it be?  Please tell me I’m not the only one that hears that to the puppy dog song!  I just don’t feel like doing ANYTHING!  Well, I don’t feel like doing anything but sleeping.  It’s not that I don’t want to do things, I just don’t seem to have the energy to do them.  Maybe it’s the weather.  I’m praying that the rain will stop long enough this evening for me to go out walking.  The dogs are in dire need of a good walk and I could use one outside as well. 

Well, nothing was ever accomplished by just talking about getting it done so I will go do what I need to get done.  Hopefully that will give me some energy to do something I want to do, not just need to do.  Here’s hopin’! 

I got the earliest appointment available with an endocrinologist and it’s not until December.  Yesterday I entered all the physical things that have been bothering me more lately and the same thing kept popping up - an under active thyroid.  When I talked to the nurse this morning she said there was no point in going to my family doctor as she would just send me to the specialist anyway.  I actually felt kind of silly calling to make the appointment.  I’m sure that after Oprah’s recent show about her thyroid the specialists are being flooded.  I almost didn’t call, but this is about me not everyone else and I don’t go to the doctor unless I think there is really something wrong and have a good idea what it is. 

Of course, it could easily be just my body trying to adjust to the 10% drop in weight, but I would think that it had gotten used to that within 6 months!  I just want to stay awake during the day for a change.  I try to eat healthy, exercise and I’m so tired that I can’t sit down without falling asleep.  It’s insane.  I’ll still be exercising and still be trying to eat right.  Even though I still have a lot of weight to lose, I have no intention of gaining any of the 30 pounds I’ve lost back.  I’m not throwing in the towel expecting some miracle answer and solution out of anything.  I still need to do the work no matter what else is going on. 

Yesterday was loooooong.  My husband didn’t get home until almost 11 p.m. and the kids were pretty hyper all day.  I so did not want to exercise, but I finally got up and did it - an entire 60 minutes of it.  I won’t lie and say that I felt better after exercising, but at least I wasn’t down on myself for not doing it.  This morning I did one of my 4 mile Leslie Sansone dvd’s.  I will probably take the dogs for a walk this evening as well.  When I walk my beagle, I don’t get into the proper heart range most of the time unless I really push her.  Last time I did that she slept for 2 days! 

I was actually pretty proud of myself today.  I worked through a migraine.   It’s still bugging me, but it’s not as bad as it was.  I sometimes get to the point where I figure it can’t get much worse so I may as well do what I was planning to do.  I suppose I should take the kids outside.  Sunglasses and baseball cap will definitely be in order. 

Question for those who use Leslie Sansone’s DVD’s - Do any of you use a pedometer as well?  The amount of steps in her 4 mile one I used was equal to just over 2 miles, not 4.  And yes, I double checked to make sure I hadn’t done a 2 mile one!

Have a great weekend.

Oh, joy.  Maybe I should explain.  My gym uses Fitlinxx.  I can log all my work outs into it and it keeps track of any strength training I do.  I get points for cardio minutes, weight lifted and how many different weight stations I use.  At the various levels there are different “rewards.”  I hit 15,000 points today and that means I get a little Fitlinxx key ring.  It’s taken me since March to get there, but I didn’t know for much of it that I  could log in at home and put in my cardio so I have done more than is showing, but probably not that much.

Took the dogs for a 2.3 mile walk this evening.  Was going to try running, but my beagle would have none of that.  Pain in the butt dog - as soon as I let her off leash, she took off after a rabbit scent.   Fortunately for me, she’s fat and I was able to catch her.  I must remember that Beagle + Rabbits + Dark + Off Leash = REALLY Bad Idea.  The pup was pretty good so I was happy about that.

Tomorrow morning I’m going to the gym.  My little boy actually asked to “go play with babies” today, his code for going to the gym.  He considers himself their guardian and has decided that he wants to go back.  He’s a funny little guy.

Have a great evening all and stay healthy!

I woke up with a pleasant surprise this morning.  I wasn’t the least bit sore after my 4.5+ miles pushing a double stroller yesterday.  Coulda knocked me over with a feather I was so surprised.

Decided that on days when I can’t make it to the gym and children/weather don’t permit outdoor activities I will be doing Walk Away the Pounds again or at least the moves to my own music.  I forgot how much of a workout it really can be.  When I was doing that regularly, I lost most of the 30 pounds that are gone forever.  Yes, it got boring, but it worked.   No reason to sit on my large butt when I can walk instead.

The kids wanted to go to the park today so I figured I may as well walk.  Put the kids in the double stroller and off we went.  I really didn’t think the park was almost 2.5 miles away!  It really wasn’t bad, especially considering the kids played for a half hour or so between the walking.  I’m sure I’m going to be a bit sore, but, hey, I finally did that amount of walking! 

I won’t be doing that particular walk again, though.  The sidewalks are not condusive to walking with a stroller.  I had to keep crossing the street just to stay on a sidewalk!  My daughter walked some of the way, but tripped once and now has a nasty bruise on her little face. 

Hope everyone is having a great day.

The scales this morning said 242 - the lowest weight I’ve been since just after my daughter was born 4 years ago.  I got down to 226 then, but 40 pounds very quickly when I got depressed over things I couldn’t control.  After having my son, I got down to 242 and then gained 31 pounds over the same issues.  Think I’d learn.  Actually, I think I have learned a few things.  Of course, the reason for my depression at those times won’t happen again because I’m so done having kids.

I got completely terrified today.  We took the kids to the children’s museum and all of a sudden my husband goes, “I’ve got to go!” and heads toward the rest rooms.  I look around and can’t find my son!  I look every where and still don’t see him so I go as security if they’ve seen him.  Nothing.  They start looking for him as well.  As it turns out, that was the reason my husband left so abruptly - he’d seem Wils take off.  Considering my husband has been sick with an intestinal bug, I didn’t know that wasn’t why he’d left!  I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared in my life.  But I survived and didn’t assage my stress with a candy bar from Jungle Jim’s.

Have a great weekend and GO RED SOX!