Diane

I don’t know how to stop the cycle of abuse I put myself through.  I exercise, then reward myself with a little treat.  Then I mentally beat myself up for eating something unhealthy and console myself with something else or more of the same thing.   If I don’t exercise, I just skip to the eating out of self pity.  I blame every unhealthy thing I do on stress, on being tired, on never having time for myself.  The truth of the matter is, I’m not all that stressed and my husband is more than willing to give me time on the weekends and evenings.  It’s just easier to have something to blame and not accept that the root of the problem is me.  I guess even I don’t feel worthy of blame.  I certainly don’t think that my needs are as important as everyone else.  I even put the dogs first!  Am I worthy of becoming healthy and whole?  Hell, yeah!  Intellectually, I know that and believe it.  Emotionally, I just can’t get there.  I don’t know how to get there.  And some days, I’m not sure I want to; I don’t want to upset the balance, no matter how skewed it is. 

I’m trying my best to get this all figured out.  I’ve at least gotten to the point where I know what some of the issues are and am working on them.  I’ve done the counseling route and don’t really relish the thought of doing it again for this.   I’m trying to take it one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time.  I’m great at laying out long time lines for myself; follow through is the issue.  And guess what that causes?  You guessed it, another round of mindless, emotion numbing eating followed by more guilt, more long range plans and more cycles I can’t seem to get out of.

I’m frustrated and praying that another bout of depression doesn’t hit.  I know the exercise helps with that.  I know, I know, I know. . .  It seems like that’s my favorite phrase.  I know what to do for exercise.  I know what to eat.  I know how I’m supposed to deal with the very real possibility of my 2 year old being color blind and both kids needing oral surgery.  I know how I’m supposed to deal with stress.  How the hell do I do it?