Diane

You know that shirt you buy on vacation that never fits because you buy it one size smaller than you really need, not wanting to admit what size you really need?  Well, mine is a black sweat shirt from Ottawa that I bought 9 years ago this month.  I’ve worn it before, but it was always apparent that I really shouldn’t so I always had a jacket over it.

Well, I’m getting over the flu and even though the house is warm enough for the kids, I’m a little cold so I decided to try it on since it is my only sweat shirt and I didn’t feel like wearing a sweater.  Lo and behold, it fit!  It didn’t just barely fit, it did what black is supposed to do.  It makes those last 10 pounds I’ve lost look like 20.

Now to see if some of my old jeans will fit. 

I fought saying good-bye with every fibre of my being even though I knew chocolate wasn’t doing me any good.  I knew it didn’t trigger my migraines, but I also knew that it made my medications much less effective.  So, for two or three weeks after my neurologist told me to stop eating ALL chocolate I made token effort after another, said that since it didn’t actually cause migraines, I wouldn’t eat it certain times of month, then finally stopped eating it like I was supposed to.

It has been two weeks since I stopped eating chocolate and a funny thing has happened.  I didn’t realize how much of my sweet tooth revolved around chocolate.  Seems that my opinion is “If it’s not chocolate, what’s the point.”  I’ve had a few home made cookies and a couple pieces of fudge - in two weeks.  No binging, no eating everything in sight.  Had a couple of migraines, but haven’t thrown in the towel and eaten all the chocolate in the house.  Yes, there is a lot - I make a lot of cookies and candy this time of year.

The best side effect is the scale - I have lost several pounds without even trying.  I think I will make my goal of being below 240 before 2009.  I only have a half pound to go.

Happy New Year!

50 pounds in 13 weeks.  I have my next endocrinologist appointment then.  My blood work was better today, good even, but not great.  My doctor said that it probably wasn’t going to get much better because of my weight.

When she started to talk about Xenical as a possible alternative she made it clear that she wasn’t a fan as she was also naming off all the side effects.  So I said, “Or perhaps getting off my butt and exercising for 30-60 minutes a day?”  She just smiled and said, “That would work, too.”

So, in keeping with my birthday present to myself, I am hoping that I will be able to reach my goal of 50 pounds lost by March 17th.  And not in keeping with that goal, I have really got to finish making the Christmas goodies to mail out!

365 hours.  That is what I am giving myself.  365 hours of guilt free hours for health for the next year.  45 minutes a day for exercise and nearly 2 hours a week for healthy meal planning.

I have seen 30, 35, 36 and now 37 pass without any significant change in health.  38 will not be the same.  When Dec. 11 comes in 2009, I will no longer be needing to lose 100 plus pounds.  I will probably have some left to lose, but no where close to 100 pounds.  I will be closer to being on the outside who I am on the inside.

And I will be going to LL Bean when I go to Maine in 2010 to get but what ever I want.  Well, one complete outfit.  I grew up in Maine, visit there every chance I get and have never been able to wear anything besides boots and gloves.  That will be fun.

And now I must go feed my little ones breakfast.  I hope everyone has a great day.

I stepped on the scales this morning and saw a number I haven’t seen in nearly 5 years.  Just had to share.  Hope everyone has a good day.

It’s funny how life works sometimes.  Almost 19 years ago I graduated from high school and vowed never to return to that facility.  A few years ago I did go back, but only to the bookstore that had been added next to the school.  The two years I spent there were made of memories I’d truly rather forget.  I have been pretty successful at doing that, but I have never forgotten the names of everyone.  No, I did not endure torment at the hands of my classmates, I was just the outsider and it was high school.

Over the past couple of months I’ve signed up for a facebook account.  I have found some old childhood friends that it has been wonderful reconnecting with.  What has surprised me is the number of my high school classmates who have contacted me - people that barely realized that I was in the same school that they were.  Some of these people who seemed to have their lives handed to them on a silver platter - it hasn’t taken me long to realize that we have all grown up.  And it has been really nice getting re-acquainted with, and in some cases, getting to know for the first time.

And how does all of this relate to weight loss?  Since I have been in touch with my past, and to an extent, made peace with it, I have begun losing weight again.  It’s not rapid, but it is steady.  I have lost the urge to over eat.  My desire for chocolate, and sugar in general, has diminished to almost non-existent.  I am more peaceful and it is translating into my physical appearance.   So, when I gave up searching for WHY I was over weight, I found the answer.   I needed to get beyond the perceived hurts of the past regarding weight.  I needed to realize that because it may have been an issue 20 years ago, 15 years ago, it no longer is, not to the people who are important to me and not to many of the people who it may have once been an issue with.

I am ready to be the person on the outside that is on the inside.  And now, I realize that I don’t want to be that 18 year-old, that 21 year-old, whoever I was back when.  I want to be me, who I am now: wife, Mom, daughter, friend - DIANE!

That is what I planned to eat and that is all I ate.  I was furious with my husband and I still stuck to what I’d planned to eat.  I’m still furious, but I have not overeaten and don’t think that I will.  What is a struggle is not going out and buying the Big Shot die cutter I really want. 

It all started Friday.  His new cell phone/PDA arrived.  He stayed up until 5 a.m. Saturday messing with it.  The only reason he got up before noon was because the bedroom was too cold.  The rest of that day went okay, though he was short with both the kids and I because he was tired.  Then yesterday I went grocery shopping by myself for the first time in ages.  I was gone less than 2 hours.  When I got home, after getting everything put away and the kitchen cleaned up, I told him that I had a migraine coming on and needed to get a little rest.  I laid down on the couch and he says he’s going up to his office!  Kids are not allowed in his office.  Not quite sure how he thought that was going to be restful for me.

That was at 2 p.m.  He never left his office until 10:15 except to say good night to each of the kids from their doorways.  Wait, he did, to yell at me for spending $55 on fabric for a Christmas dress for my DD and some pants for DS.  I damn well made sure I didn’t go over budget, including all of that.  He didn’t remember me telling him that I had to go to the fabric store twice.  Doesn’t matter that the dress I’m making would cost well over $100 if I were to buy it.  Never mind that I’ve only spent $50 for clothes for the kid’s winter clothes - 2 kids, $50! 

He is very, very lucky that I have realized when I get mad at him I spend money in retaliation.  We don’t have it to spend right now, but that wouldn’t have stopped me in the past.  Just like in the past I would have eaten the whole pound of chocolates instead of 4 pieces.  I guess this whole trying to lose weight is affecting more than just my weight.  Apparently it is changing my way of dealing with stress in general.   Not a bad turn of events, not bad at all. 

And on a totally unrelated note - My DS, 3, is potty trained!  Two weeks ago he decided that he wasn’t going to wear diapers anymore.  One week ago he decided he was going to use the potty for everything, not just one.  We still put him in a diaper at night and this morning was the only time it was wet.  That was only because he had been awake for a while, but won’t get out of his bed until he’s told that he can.  I was in the shower and his father was upset that he wouldn’t get out on his own.  DS was so upset that he’d not made it to the toilet.

Anyway, I’m going to work on getting over my anger while staying on track for food.  Off to clean the playroom.  Have a great day.

Things have not been going that well for me lately.  Nothing serious, just a near constant migraine.  Went to the ER for the first time in 32 years because of it.  They have gone from an annoyance and occasional interferance to making me miss out on 2-4 days of the week entirely and in a hazy, painful fog the rest of it.  It’s heartbreaking to have my DD ask if she made me sick because I’m shushing her. 

Getting through the things I need to do is difficult so lifestyle changes have taken a backseat though they’re probably the things that would help the most.  I’m finishing up several projects this week and I’m not taking on anything to replace them until these migraines are under control.  It is no way to live.

My best friend was visiting for nearly a month, just left this weekend, and I miss her terribly.  She is such an inspiriation.  She was here because of life circumstances beyond her control and beyond that of her husband, on her own with three kids until they could join her husband on the other side of the country.  And yet she found time to exercise every day.  Introduced her to Leslie Sansone and she quickly became a fan. 

I just want to get back on track.  And if none of this makes sense, blame it on the migraine.

Molly will be 7 years old on Thursday.  She is 45 pounds, grossly overweight for a beagle.  I will be 37 in December and, well, everyone can see what my weight is!  I am 5′3. 

On Saturday I was outside picking up the back yard and Molly was out there.  She was trying to run and play with the kids.  She was trying to get to the rabbits under the shed.  She wanted to do more, but she could only run in short bursts.  I wanted to cry because I have let her get this way.

As I watched her, I couldn’t help but think of the old saying that pets and their owners begin to resemble each other.  No, I don’t think I look like a beagle, but I am round like she is.  I want to run and play with the kids, but can only do so in short bursts.  And while her main goal in life is to get to the rabbits, a goal I really do not share, there are things that I would like to do just as much.

The more I thought about it, the more I felt like I am neglecting her and being cruel to both her and I.  She loves to go for walks and so do I, but I don’t take her on them nor do I go that often by myself.  I had to ask myself why and could come up with no good reason.  Yes, there are excuses, but no good reasons. 

So, in closing, I am going to take her for a walk, in the dark, recovering from a horrific migraine. 

My husband is changing his work schedule so he can get more sleep and I can get my exercise done first thing in the morning.  I’m not sure how it will all work out, but I think it will be good.  I can handle getting up at 6 a.m. 

On a different note, I don’t think there is anything much cuter than my 3 and 5 year olds doing the Wii Fit run together this morning!  It was so sweet.